Complexity - Where Do I Go From Here

Lately I feel like I'm losing control of myself
I apologize if all that I sound like is I'm complaining, right now life is so complex

I know they can see I'm grieving, I try and hide it, but I can't
I am finally realizing I need help, I can't do it by myself, I'm too weak

For weeks now I've been having these ups and downs, peaks and valleys
I hate my reflection, I walk around trying to fight mirrors cause I hate what I see

I can't help but too keep looking, I'm afraid if I close my eyes I might see her
I lock myself in the bedroom so no one can see what I see

I'm always in a bad mood and my attitude has fallen off
It's become a problem and I'm too weak to handle it, I need to get up

Knowing hearts have been ripped out and crushed
I need to be a man and stand up, a real man could handle this

Dwelling on it only makes the nights longer
No time to sleep with nothing to do, I'm just up

I just lost my best friend
It was in my best interest to protect my investment

Nobody really can understand this different me
I can understand that, but think how crazy you would be if it was you

My life is slowly turning inwards, I'm living like a recluse
I feel no pain other than mine, I guess thats my excuse to be in this all time low

Its going to get better, I'm on my road to redemption, this time I'll be bullet proof
I figure I might want to get it out now because I may never get this chance again

I think about all the things I would have never got to say to you
I'd never get to make things right, never have that chance

I'm not saying that there will never come a day that those hearts will mend
But eventually I'll have to thank all the wrong that led us to a love so strong

As for now, I just can't catch a break, everyday it rains over me
I try to get up, get out, but instead I just close the blinds

They say it's always the darkest, before the light comes
The thing is if I can't see, how will I get to this light

Still is the life that I'm living right, no where to go
I'm only surviving on the breathe that you were finished with

This isn't how things should be if we were meant to be, I want to right all wrongs

For me, numb is my new deep, I've got to be done with the old me
Talk has always been cheap, so allow my actions to pay this tab

I'm going to be a new man, wear new cologne, its going to be different me
You probably wouldn't even know me if your eyes were closed

I know what you're thinking, how long will it last, maybe not even a day
Well, you're wrong this time, I don't want this complexity in my life