I NEVER PLANNED MY LIFE

I never had a plan for my life,

Until I started living life with cancer.

I realized my dream to live and not be without you,

Which made me strong, glad, and fearless to look my illness in the eyes.

I'm living with a new hope,

This makes me think, what great things I can do

This is just another life lesson

Fallen my life has gone, but I look forward to the battle


Everything is new now, I have a new outlook on life

My living life to my point of view, a way that you will be proud of.

From everyone on God's earth,

I have been selected to walk the walk and fight this battle.


My life is still in my control,

Cancer doesnt take over me, nor will it ever

Things will still rock and roll, I'll still have ups and downs but,

I will live my life accordingly and plan for my future!

Complexity - Where Do I Go From Here

Lately I feel like I'm losing control of myself
I apologize if all that I sound like is I'm complaining, right now life is so complex

I know they can see I'm grieving, I try and hide it, but I can't
I am finally realizing I need help, I can't do it by myself, I'm too weak

For weeks now I've been having these ups and downs, peaks and valleys
I hate my reflection, I walk around trying to fight mirrors cause I hate what I see

I can't help but too keep looking, I'm afraid if I close my eyes I might see her
I lock myself in the bedroom so no one can see what I see

I'm always in a bad mood and my attitude has fallen off
It's become a problem and I'm too weak to handle it, I need to get up

Knowing hearts have been ripped out and crushed
I need to be a man and stand up, a real man could handle this

Dwelling on it only makes the nights longer
No time to sleep with nothing to do, I'm just up

I just lost my best friend
It was in my best interest to protect my investment

Nobody really can understand this different me
I can understand that, but think how crazy you would be if it was you

My life is slowly turning inwards, I'm living like a recluse
I feel no pain other than mine, I guess thats my excuse to be in this all time low

Its going to get better, I'm on my road to redemption, this time I'll be bullet proof
I figure I might want to get it out now because I may never get this chance again

I think about all the things I would have never got to say to you
I'd never get to make things right, never have that chance

I'm not saying that there will never come a day that those hearts will mend
But eventually I'll have to thank all the wrong that led us to a love so strong

As for now, I just can't catch a break, everyday it rains over me
I try to get up, get out, but instead I just close the blinds

They say it's always the darkest, before the light comes
The thing is if I can't see, how will I get to this light

Still is the life that I'm living right, no where to go
I'm only surviving on the breathe that you were finished with

This isn't how things should be if we were meant to be, I want to right all wrongs

For me, numb is my new deep, I've got to be done with the old me
Talk has always been cheap, so allow my actions to pay this tab

I'm going to be a new man, wear new cologne, its going to be different me
You probably wouldn't even know me if your eyes were closed

I know what you're thinking, how long will it last, maybe not even a day
Well, you're wrong this time, I don't want this complexity in my life

Untitled (I'm yelling, why can't you hear me)

I could be in a room with a thousand people but still be alone
I cry out to those who say they care but they blow me off, so I walk alone

I've lost all hope, I've lost my faith, I've got none left
I only hope that when tomorrow comes it will bring death to my pain

There's no love in my life, no love to be found
This act is starting to get real old

It's so cold when you're in bed alone
Wishing she was laying next to you, but she's not, it was just a dream

There's nobody there, nothing but darkness
No one to touch, no one to hug, no one to kiss

If you can't look forward to tomorrow what's the point of today
I want to leave all my pain behind

I'm going in circles, like a dog chasing its tail
Unfortunately circles never end and continue for forever more

The voices in my head are getting to loud to ignore
What did I do to deserve the hand that was dealt to me

Why cant you just let me be, leave me in peace
All this hatred and sorrow is turning me into a raging beast

I hate what I've become, if I could I would take all my shame to the grave
Or maybe it was the Devil's plan

A prayer I said as I laid in the hospital bed
How would it be if the doctors couldn't bring me back

Why did I survive, is there some divine plan that I don't know about
If so, why do I go to bed every night with my pillow soaking wet from tears

The pain is getting too much to handle
I'm on an emotional roller-coaster and can't take these ups and downs

There is no one to walk with me, so I guess it will just be me and my shadow

Something's Missing

Something is missing and I don't know how to fix it. As the seconds turn to minutes, as the minutes turn to hours, as the hours turn to days, and those days into weeks, the sweet taste of heaven is no longer with me. When it rains it truly pours, so where do I go from here? I'm holding on trying to breath, I'm aching, breaking, shaking and I don't know if I'll make it though the night, I'm fading fast. Not like this, it can't possibly be, you're gone and I'm to blame. With you I'd die happily, but without you what is there to live for? Nobody can help me but me, I did it to myself. I lost myself and it is breaking me down, I see all my dreams crumbling right before my eyes. Can anybody out there hear or see me, can you help me find my way? This isn't a silly phase or moment, I'm going down but I want to pick myself up, I just don't have the strength. If only for a moment, I wish someone could stop this train that we all call life. We're taught to live in the moment but we should honestly live for it. I can hear my moments calling me but I've drifted so far from them that I don't recognize their echo. Up or down, left or right, night or day, I've got to begin to see the light. I feel it drawing me in, but will my ship sink before I make it to shore? Will the life I know end as a faded picture, after all I painted the picture of pain and ruined my masterpiece. I use to be worth my weight in gold but now I'm nothing more than a feather. Hearts have been obliterated and who is to blame, now I have a better chance of parting the Red Sea. I use to walk on clouds while on the way to the moon and now I've hit rock bottom. I look myself and ask "why, can't you see". I want to come out of exile but where do I go from there? In an impossible situation what do we do to make it possible, what do I do with my love? I can put away all the pictures but I can't get rid of all my memories nor can I set my love aside. It hurts to hear my calls go unanswered but who am I expecting to answer? At the end of the day I truly am a poisonous antidote, I've poisoned something so pure and it's up to me to be the antidote to my toxin. I got a feeling the sun wont shine today but someday I'll look to the sky and see the light, but for now these black clouds wonder around me, so maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home. I miss you right now, I miss my something!

How do you know when you are in love?

Not to long ago I had a friend of mine ask me how do you know when you're in love, I had to sit there and think about it. After about 45 seconds of silence I replied back with this, "you know you're in love when he/she makes you wanna be better". When I said that, I wasn't saying that he or I wasn't a good person or that we were sub par in any way, but love has a way of making people want to grow. My friend mentioned to me that he recently met a young lady and that for the first time in his life he found himself trying to go that extra mile. With that said, I believe it is very easy to think you're in love at the very beginning. Everything is new and fresh, nothing is tainted but the fact still remains that you are simply meeting and greeting with love. Love hasn't decided if its going to stick around and rent a room or if it plans on building a house on that empty lot called your heart. Some people describe love as a funny feeling, while others describe it as a drug or some type of high, me personally, I think love is more of a functional dis-function or condition if you will. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know functional dis-function is an oxymoron but read on. Love can make you do some crazy things to prove your love for another person, no matter how sane you believe yourself to be... love is insane, but this still doesn't mean you're in love, because love could be playing a cruel joke on you.

I want you to take a minute and think...name a condition other than love that can make you feel rage, pain, sorrow,attraction, hate, or bliss. This love thing will literally make you sick to your stomach or can even bring you back from the brink of death, but how do we know when we truly love some one? Should we have the feeling of "I would die for that person" or "I would kill for that person" or "I can't live without that person"? Love is a mental condition that can make you fell all those, which can be classified as borderline psychosis. The truth is love will open your eyes to things you have never felt before but be careful not to mistake lust with real love. Many times we as people think its okay to call lust love when we truly know that it's not, that doesn't make you a bad person, just a person who might be in a place of comfort. Whatever the case may be love will find you and you'll never have to question if you're in love or not. So to answer my friends question, you'll know you're in love when you don't have to ask yourself if you're in love.